dogs, horses, tigers, lions
THE DIARY OF A VIDEOCHAT MODEL
When i was asked to do this diary the first thing that came to my mind was this book of Arthur Golden's : 'Memoirs of a gheisha'. That gave me a big smile.
This is going to be the synopsis of a long travel into some of my life aspects and the other people i come in touch with( I am a fine observer:P)
The main occupation : trying to figure out the meaning of life and explaining some human behaviours - since i can understand more than 90% of the behaviours.
1ST DAY :
I was in a vaccation of 2 weeks and today i could finally meet my girl Miry. She is a very good friend and we can always feel comfortable one with each other. I supposed to meet her in the park after work, but we changed plans in the last moment: we end up at the pool - none one of my favourites, but we were together and we could relax in the sun. I felt asleep and when i woke up miry was talking to these guys near our chais. I don't like the people that are too kind and they try to do anything in order to get into my good grace and those guys were that type so i kind of scare them away. I asked her why did she talked to them and she said she got bored while i was sleeping. I remember scaring all of my girls new bf's and make most of them cry - i find it very funny when people run out of arguments and they start crying like little babies.
TODAY's MOTTO :
'When you are a small fish, you don't swim with the big ones. You may get swallowed'
Day 3 : I had breakfast today in the park with Miry , right after work. Very relaxing watching the kids playing, the people walking by, breathing some fresh air, letting myself go, feeling i am part of this whole world and seeing how everything fits, the beauty of the world with its good and bad things. I never understand a situation as good or bad, i just take it as it is. I had this friend who died very young of cancer and he didn't knew he will die. Our parents were friends and whenever they met, they were talking about us kids: he was always the good kid and i was always the rebel kid that wouldn't take any shit and had my own opinions about anything, opinion that i defend with strong arguments. Acording to our parents he was the good kid, i was the terrible kid. And now here we are: me and him in a hospital room. I knew he was about to die, but his parents asked me not to tell and pretend that he will get better. It hurts like hell to look in someone's eyes and smile and say that everything will work up for the best, when you know for a certain fact that that person is about to die. He asked for my mobile - he wanted to send a text message to his girfriend. I forgot aboout that - too preocupated to give fake smiles to a dying friend. I watched him carefully to see if he feels what is is really going on and i found something more painfull than that is his eyes: the regret of not doing all the things he wanted to do at some point. Exactly those breaks that he had and that parents loved. It made me promise to myself i will do everything i feel and i rather regret something i have done than something i could have and i didn't. He died 4 days later, virgin at 20 years old. I was cleaning my text messages box and i found his message: 'I miss you much. I am at the hospital and the doctors will cure me and then i am going to be home and nothing will tear us apart.I promise we will make love as soon as i get home. I love you forever.'
His not very intelligent mother explained to him that sex before marriage is a sin and the good kid never lived for himself but for the parents and their rules.
The first line related to his mom position was one from 'Original Sin' that is going to be today's motto:
'DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PLEASURE CAN EVER BE SINFULL?'
Religion... A girl of mine felt like going to the curch and confess her sins(after more then 10 years). My solidarity made me confess also. I was waiting in line for some good minutes and i was analizing the great business that Christian religion is. I was disgusted by everything that happend around me while waiting to get to the priest and confess, but that was when i got so disgusted that i felt like running out of the church. But the thing that really scared me was the way that they manipulate weak minds, people's need to believe in something, their incapacity of accepting their 'sins' and deal with it. The priest was trying to manipulate me with his basics knowledge of psychology and acting. He made me smile : worst actor and junior psychologyst. I tried to tell him about his mistakes but he wouldn't listen to other opinions - because he didn't had arguments for that level of a conversation so i let him say his poem and then i got up and out of the trading building. Christian religion has many contradictions that they can't explain so they blame you for not being a good christian if you dare to underline the deficients that this nice story called christian religion has.
This subject makes me sick.
Acording to this guy i confessed today , either god reviews the 10 Commandments or we all go to hell.
I shall start a logical religion, not a religion that when it comes to some contradictions they give you the rule that they come up with to save their ass : god said to believe without seeing. Just take a look : how convenient does this sound?
'Believe and do not question'
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Another day, same people. I always loved meeting by accident people that i haven't seen for a long time. Went to the driving school to pay the tax with a cab and i asked the driver to wait for me for 10 minutes. I got out in 5 and the taxi was gone. I start laughing and i was thinking it loud: 'I shouldn't have payed his ass when i got out of the car' - don't do the same mistake if you ever come here, especially if you are in the middle of nowhere. Ohhk! Walking is good. I was walking to get to the subway station and passing near a crowded university i heared someone calling my name. I turned and look: a girl i used to live with in the student's house 'hey, Cel! How was the exam?' '-Exam? What exam?'. The exam for judges and persecutors was taking there. Judge?! Me?! I don't like this job. I always thought that they are some sort of 'gods' on earth, deciding for people's life. Actually this is the reason that i never considered this job as an option. It gives you the possibility to play with people's future. I couldn't sleep at night wondering if the investigators did their job corectly and the person is really guilty or not guilty and then let a criminal go out in the society and do some more harm. Anyway: the girl was waiting for her boyfriend and future husband to get out of the exam. When they invited me to the wedding I had that feeling again 'Gosh! Are you people insane? Marriage? This means i should do it also? But i am still young and scared of that shit!'...And there was that question again: 'How about you Cel? When do you think you'll do this step? Are you changed or are you going to give us the same old shit with the perfect man that you craeted and probably no one will fit that profile?' Finally she said something that makes sense. This simple creature born to be a wife that didn't read the good books, seen the good movies or listen to the nice music, who had no idea about the world of knowledge was there shaking my whole world. With her simple way of living she made me having serious doubts about my whole theory about men, women and love. What if she's right and love stories are only in books and movies? And the whole crap with 'i will know when i will find the right person, true love is forever, true love comes once in a lifetime.' People seem to lose their soul in all kind of lame lovestories and then they can't love with the same strenght. I rather die looking for the lovestory i imagined then to resign and accept an orinary copy like most people do. Idealistic?Stuborn? Immature? - Why should i care? It's all or nothing, i don't go for half measures. I must admit sometimes i feel the world crushing down on me and the moral values and true pure feeling decaying. But i move on pretty fast and as i never learned how to give up... This friend who told me long ago 'Dear Cel! True love is forever, don't accept anything less!' he gave up. I felt very sad when years went by and at his 40's was still alone drinking a glass of whiskey and looking at me: 'Forget about the shit i told you!' He made me so angry and i tried to make him reconsider what he said, but he got tired of fighting this battle. Another good soldier lost in the supperficial feelings... and God knows how many are giving up every day complying. Loneliness can scare people pretty bad and make them do some bad choises. I think everyone should make a list of things 'the one' must or must not have and make no compromises even if someone gets very close to that pattern. When i will get 5 persons writing down on my message wall their list, i promise i will write mine also:P I'm waiting:)
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////I won't write about today , yesterday tomorrow, i'll try to write about always and nowhere, love, passion, lust...I fall inlove every day of different things i run into : a sunbeam reflected into the water, the wind playing with the tree leaves, a pure smile, people acting natural, being themsleves, simple things, true things, smart lies, rock mountain people, spring people, trees bloom people. Love? Man and a woman. Ilike watching them in the parks, in the subway, on the street, smiling, kissing, enjoying, living, consuming their love and i stay away in my world contemplating. They are way interesting if you have Beethoven. Analizing many of the love stories around me i come to the conclusion that i don't want any of that. a love story in the real world seems to be the lamest thing i could ever live. So much passion and love wasted. I won't give it away to someone who can't uderstand its true meaning. Last tango in Paris... How far can you go for your love story? What are you willing to sacrifice? Are you able to give everything without asking anything in return? How selfish can you get? How coward? How much love can your heart bear? How much passion your blood and brain can take? Chopin... forever... I believe i've come to know love to its highest level:being inlove with everything around me, not limitating myself at one person because i have too much to give... but lust? Lust... That passion that takes deceitful contol on the body and slowly fools the mind on accepting its ways. The taste of love and infinite passion: lust. The need to abandon yourself into a burning uncontrollable desire. Forget that there are other people on earth except you and the person you are with, perfect fusion of energy, thoughts, feelings... growing and growing 'till your whole being is only feelings... another dimension: pure lust.Now you are out of control and your body won't listen to your brain, but you feel and you love what you feel and the places you are taken, higher, higher... how high? Rachmaninov... How many people still knows how to feel?