Interests & Hobbies
Meaning of Life:
I have a reputation as a liar of sociopathic dishonesty. One day I told a lie that caused someone else to get into serious trouble that he did not deserve. I have been looking over my shoulder all these years, expecting him to be there and extract revenge for what i did to him. I learned my lesson. DONT LIE! And if you do, don't get caught. You can really mess up someones life and put your own in serious jeopardy. The real meaning of life is I LOVE BIG OLD TITTIES! I have fond memories of my mom breast feeding me in the morning before i would take the bus to school. I affectionately called her gorilla tits because of all the hair. Speaking of gorilla tits, a few years ago Tammy Fay Baker and I were at Buckingham palace to visit the Queen of England. We were waiting in line to meet her when Tammy Fay got the urge to light one up. As we approached the Queen, Tammy Fay, with cigarette in hand, curtsied and politely asked the Queen if she had a match. The Queen gruffly replied, yes, I have a match, two buffalo farts and your breath. By the time Tammy Faye figured out that this insult was the Teutonic equivalent of having your nose hair yanked out by the roots, she was livid and I could barely keep her from slugging the Queen! I ended up taking a knee to the groin but it was worth it to keep the Queen Mother Fucker safe from TFB. Furor Teutonicus! On that same visit to England, Boris Johnson became enraged at me for having worse hair than him and he called me a bleeding wanker! This seriously pissed off Tammy Fay and she souflexed his ass before giving him the wedgie of death!
Five Things I Can't Live Without:
1. Extra large colostomy bags. I don't need them, I just like the way they smell. 2. Extra small condoms. I need these for protection. 3. Placodonts.
Favorite Books:
Add 3 Inches in 30 Days - Dr Oz (PS - the book was an awesome read but it didn't work),
A Brief Dissertation On Paul's Letter To The Filipinos - Reverends Oral Swaggert and Buford Falwell,
My Battle With Chronic In Grown Anal Hair - Kim Kardashian,
I Like To Barf Cookbook - Julia Child,
The Book Of Somali Pirate Yachting Ettiquite - Reverend Oral Mullet,
Skanks I Have Known - Reverend Jimmy Swaggert,
My Life As A Tuna Bitch - Reverand Boner Ted Armstrong
What I Like To Do For Fun:
Goodnight, goodnight! Sharting is such sweet sorrow!
Favorite Songs:
Favorites:
*Another SaTURDay Night And I Ain't Got No Sheep Dip*__Sam Kook,
*Flush Twice, Its A Long Way To Bob Garcia's House* __ Reynoso y Cara de Caca,
*I Got Them Old Venerial Disease Blues Again*__Bob Garcia,
*Bridge Over Troubled Warthogs*__Simon And Garciafunkel.
OK, this is a secret. My senior year in high school, in the school newspaper, I anonymously dedicated the song *Sweet Cream Ladies* by The Box Tops to my future wife. This was before I got to know her and found out how sweet snd lovely she is. If she found out it was me, I might end up like John Wayne Bobbit. Thanks for the suggestion and the assist Minty!
Favorite Movies:
Los Adventyres de Don Diego y Sausage Boy en el Siglo 21- one of the great works of science fiction from the mind of esteemed author Dr. Stanislaus Dupa.
Craziest Thing I've Ever Done:
Tough question, there are so many incidents to choose from! Do you guys remember the crazy National Enquirer stories about a guy who wrapped his little sister's hamster with electrical tape, to keep it from exploding when he butt fucked it? Yea, that was me.
If I Could Be Anywhere Right Now:
In the ghetto, knitting toupees for homeless bald men using only my copious amounts of anal hair and the hair we gather from the dumpsters behind the Brazilian Wax business.
Hobbies:
Mathematician. There are 120 billion rats on earth and every time one farts, a politician tells a lie. The average rat farts a whopping 360 times a day! So, if you do the math, the human race is up a creek with a shitty paddle!
Talents:
Theft. Larceny. Robbery. Making lots of money using my shrewd business acumen. Hey Minty Neumi! Do you remember how we would bring our own cans of soda to the snack bar and sell them instead of the theater's inventory? We made a small fortune! Damn, we Gonsgad those bitches! When I was a senior in high school, I noticed the 9th graders would congregate around my locker when it was time to shower after PE. Then my buddy Minty Neumi figured out that they, like him, were attracted by my gorgeous man titties. At that point we hit on a scheme that netted us over $120,000 US dollars by graduation! You see, there might have been a few guys with better nipples than me but nobody had nicer tits! So, for $.25 we would let the underclassmen have a good close look at them. For an additional $.25 you could fondle them for 10 seconds. That year, I was voted most popular male upperclassmen with an overwhelming 98% of the vote. TGIGarcia!
Perfect Mate:
BBWs, elderly women, large women, big titty MILFs, babushkas, las giganoto chichi mamacitas. Ha! My lovely wife use to call her period *Carson Monthly*, so a good sense of humor is mandatory spelling without fear of cactus.
Perfect Date:
My perfect date would begin at Nanook And Nookies Eskimo Diner. A big plate of Parmesan Blubber Shooters and Walrus Fries would start the festivities. Next, I would would wouldn't would invite my date to apply liberal amounts of ointment to my diseased purple butthole.
Turn Ons/Offs:
The first time you see a woman naked and she's got Marty Feldman tits. You know, where the nipples are cockeyed and stick out at strange angels and you get a headache trying to focus on them or coordinating a two handed titty twister. Yea, thats a huge turnoff. Also, I dont enjoy getting diarrhea as much as I did when I was a young man.
Coloque el jerbo en el ano para una los emocin barata, being Newmaned by a motor cycle gang on a secluded beach, waking up with a sore butthole, a hairy ass in my face for more than a few minutes, when I fart and forget to hold my breath or open a window. Also, I kinda like the smell of skunk.
Best Reason to Get to Know Me:
I always have a shitload of good weed. I can't wait for tomorrow because I get fatter every day. Yabba dabba dooooo!!!