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Bob_Garcia
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Profile Headline: I put the TURD in SaTURDay! Yo, do these rubber pants make my ass look big?
Last Login: 2 months ago
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About Me
Username: Bob_Garcia
Gender: Male
Body Type: Ample
Ethnicity: Hispanic
Hair: Balding
Eyes: Variable
Weight: 386 pounds
Height: 66 inches
Age: 72
City: Rectalopolis (The Windy Anus)
Country: Argentina
Sexual Preference: Straight
Smoke: Herb
Drink: Moderate
Marital Status: Married
Occupation/Major: I am the personal chef to the president of Argentina, Joaquin Withdinosaurs
School: Culinary Learning Institute of Tanzania (Old CLIT)
Favorite Food: Chitlins, gravy, elves, tree bark, mice, tacos, la lengua, caribou, capybara, nopales, y peckers
Pets: Saber tooth poodle named Robespierre.
Automobile: Minivan
About Me: First, I'd like to give a shit out to my home slice, Minty T. Neumi, my partner in crime, business, and being moribund for over 20 years. My real name is Roberto Sigmund Garciawitz. I grew up in Argentina in a poverty stricken family that was so poor we couldn't afford an alarm clock and our rooster ran away because he was embarrassed by our socio-economic situation. My dear sweet grandmother use to wake us up in the morning by poking us in the scrotum with a sharp stick or a machete. Occasionally, I think she enjoyed this a little too much as I was always getting splinters and minor flesh wounds. Did you know that George Lucas modeled the Star Wars character Jaba The Hut after me? His depiction of my slug-like physique is remarkably accurate. I don't know why my wonderful wife puts up with my shit. She deserves so much better than my fat ass can give her! When I was a young man, I had serious issues with the size of my wee wee. Even now, I occasionally catch my wife laughing quietly to herself when she sneaks a peek at the little guy. For 9 years I saw a therapist named Dr Trotsky who specialized in tiny penis disorders. His approach was to show me that a very small number of men had extremely amazingly embarrassingly pitifully tiny dicks. However, this proved to be extraordinarily difficult! That is until he heard about the Philadelphia Eagles. After investigating the rumors that the Eagles were all hung like mosquitos, he had me shower with the Philadelphia football team, who were the most poorly hung group of men this side of the Trump family! Well, after 3 weeks of showering with the Eagles, I was cured but I didnt tell Dr Trotsky and I continued to hang out with the guys in the showers for 8 more years because I enjoyed the camaraderie, ass slapping, soap dropping, well you get the idea. In 1989 I was chosen to play the lead role in an off Broadway adaptation of Irwin Shaw's brilliant novel RICH MAN, POOR MAN, appropriately called RICH MAN, POORLY HUNG MAN. In 2019 I was set to star in the latest Marvel Universe movie as Thor's corpulent cousin, LARD STAR. Unfortunately, during the daily buffet, I was eating more than my share of the food and the films budget was seriously affected. So, after 6 weeks of filming the producers ran out of money and we were forced to shut down.
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Interests & Hobbies
Meaning of Life: I have a reputation as a liar of sociopathic level dishonesty. One day I told a lie that caused someone else to get into serious trouble that he did not deserve. I have been looking over my shoulder all these years, expecting him to be there and extract revenge for what i did to him. I learned my lesson. DONT LIE! And if you do, don't get caught. You can really mess up someones life and put your own in serious jeopardy. The real meaning of life is I LOVE BIG OLD TITTIES! I have fond memories of my mom breast feeding me in the morning before i would take the bus to school. I affectionately called her gorilla tits because of all the hair. Speaking of gorilla tits, a few years ago Tammy Fay Baker and I were at Buckingham palace to visit the Queen of England. We were waiting in line to meet her when Tammy Fay got the urge to light one up. As we approached the Queen, Tammy Fay, with cigarette in hand, curtsied and politely asked the Queen if she had a match. The Queen gruffly replied, yes, I have a match, two buffalo farts and your breath. By the time Tammy Faye figured out that this insult was the Teutonic equivalent of having your nose hair yanked out by the roots, she was livid and I could barely keep her from slugging the Queen! I ended up taking a knee to the groin but it was worth it to keep the Queen Mother Fucker safe from TFB. Furor Teutonicus! On that same visit to England, Boris Johnson became enraged at me for having worse hair than him and he called me a bleeding wanker! This seriously pissed off Tammy Fay and she souflexed his ass before giving him the wedgie of death!
Five Things I Can't Live Without: 1. Extra large colostomy bags. I don't need them, I just like the way they smell. 2. Extra small condoms. I need these for protection. 3. Placodonts (They still exist! I kept a family of 4 in my underwear for 6 months in 2007). 4. Protection from radio-active midgets. 5. Any of Shartin Martin Lawrences movies.
Favorite Books: Add 3 Inches in 30 Days - Dr Oz (PS - the book was an awesome read but it didn't work!!!), A Brief Dissertation On Paul's Letter To The Filipinos - Reverends Oral Swaggert and Buford Falwell, My Battle With Chronic In Grown Anal Hair - Kim Kardashian, Cooking With Entrails (AKA Fun With Entrails) - Bobby Flay, I Like To Barf Cookbook - Julia Child, The Book Of Somali Pirate Yachting Ettiquite - Reverend Oral Mullet, Skanks I Have Known - Reverend Jimmy Swaggert, My Life As A Tuna Bitch - Reverand Boner Ted Armstrong
What I Like To Do For Fun: Goodnight, goodnight! Sharting is such sweet sorrow!
Favorite Songs: Favorites: *Flush Twice, Its A Long Way To Bob Garcias House* __ Reynoso y Cara de Caca, *I Got Them Old Venerial Disease Blues Again*__Bob Garcia, *Bridge Over Tub Bubble Waters*__Simon And Garciafunkel. OK, this is a secret. My senior year in high school, in the school newspaper, I anonymously dedicated the song *Sweet Cream Ladies* by The Box Tops to my future wife. This was before I got to know her and found out how sweet snd lovely she is. If she found out it was me, I might end up like John Wayne Bobbit. Thanks for the suggestion and the assist Minty! I am pleased but slightly embarrassed to announce. that a moose named Cyril, who has a slight water retention problem, was recently acquitted
Favorite Movies: Los Adventyres de Don Diego y Sausage Boy en el Siglo 21- one of the great works of science fiction from the mind of esteemed author Dr. Stanislaus Dupa. He also wrote Sausage Boy and the Case of the Missing Brown Star Sphincter (aka - Tear Me A New One)
Craziest Thing I've Ever Done: Tough question, there are so many incidents to choose from! 1. Do you guys remember the crazy National Enquirer stories about a guy who wrapped his little sisters hamster with electrical tape, to keep it from exploding when he butt fucked it? Yea, that was me. 2. It might be the time I took acid and broke into the zoo after midnight on New Years Eve. My buddy Minty and I were feeling kind of horny when we spotted the hippopotamus enclosure and he mentioned that there were no known accounts of a human having butt sex with a hippo. He knows all kinds of interesting facts like that. Well, that sounded like a challenge to me so I climbed into the pen and found a cute little hippo and began to sweet talk her. She was really receptive to my advances so I mounted her and began to flog the hog! Unfortunately, my screams and moans woke up the alpha male and he was like totally pissed and proceeded to stomp me, chew my ass to pieces, and spit me out of the enclosure. The hippo then marked its territory by spraying his poop around with his tail in a helicopter-like motion. i thought to myself Hey! That's really cool! I wish I could do that!
If I Could Be Anywhere Right Now: In the ghetto, knitting toupees for homeless bald men using only my copious amounts of anal hair and the hair we gather from the dumpster behind the Brazilian Wax business.
Hobbies: Smoking the noble weed. I am the current president of The League of Poorly Hung Gentlemen. In a recent near death experience, I was drawn towards a distant light and as I got closer, my heart became overcome with joy! The initial fear dissipated as I made out these words on a giant neon sign: DUNKIN DONUTS! The gate keeper met me at the front door with a box of glazed buttermilk, my favorite, and informed me it was not my time! He then enlightened me with knowledge that would help mankind to return to its former glory! There are 120 billion rats on earth and every time one farts, a politician tells a lie. The average rat farts a whopping 360 times a day! So if you do the math, the human race is up a creek with a shitty paddle!
Talents: Theft. Larceny. Robbery. Making lots of money using my shrewd business acumen. Hey Minty Neumi! Do you remember how we would bring our own cans of soda to the snack bar and sell them instead of the theater's inventory? We made a small fortune! Damn, we Gonsgad those bitches! When I was a senior in high school, I noticed the 9th graders would congregate around my locker when it was time to shower after PE. Then my buddy Minty Neumi figured out that they, like him, were attracted by my gorgeous man titties. At that point we hit on a scheme that netted us over $12,000 US dollars by graduation! You see, there might have been a few guys with better nipples than me but nobody had nicer tits! So, for $.25 we would let the underclassmen have a good close look at my tits. For an additional $.25 you could fondle them for 10 seconds. That year, I was voted most popular male upperclassmen with an overwhelming 98% of the male vote. TGIGarcia!
Perfect Mate: BBWs, elderly women, large women, big titty MILFs, babushkas, las giganoto chichi mamacitas. Ha! My lovely wife use to call her period *Carson Monthly*, so a good sense of humor is mandatory spelling without fear of cactus.
Perfect Date: My perfect date would begin at Nanook And Nookies Eskimo Diner. A big plate of Parmesan Blubber shooters and Walrus Fries would start the festivities. Next, I would would wouldn't would invite my date to apply liberal amounts of ointment to my diseased purple butthole.
Turn Ons/Offs: Turn off__The first time you see a woman naked and shes got Marty Feldman tits. You know, where the nipples are cockeyed and stick out at strange angels and you get a headache trying to focus on them or coordinating a two handed titty twister. Yea, thats a huge turnoff. Also, I dont enjoy getting diarrhea as much as I did when I was a young man. Turn on__ Coloque el jerbo en el ano para una los emocin barata. Being Newmaned by a motor cycle gang on a secluded beach, waking up with a sore butthole, when my pit bull gets horny and Im the only one around, a hairy ass in my face for more than a few minutes, when I fart and forget to hold my breath or open a window. Also, I kinda like the smell of skunk.
Best Reason to Get to Know Me: I always have a shitload of good weed. I can't wait for tomorrow because I get fatter every day. Yabba dabba dooooo!!!
Message Wall
PorkCab4Cutie
You are a douche bag
Poontel
el vomito grande.
Poontel
el vomiting grande? youre nickname is the big puke? ha ha ha haaaass!
Titbull
Stinky Bob Garcia! Its me TB! How are you and your flabby brown ass doing?
YancyMurphy
I though his nickname was El Gordo Apestoso Hombre?
Poontel
El Gordo Loco! How have you been my fat friend?
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