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Bob_Garcia
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Profile Headline: I put the TURD in Saturday.
Last Login: 3 months ago
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About Me
Username: Bob_Garcia
Gender: Male
Body Type: Ample
Ethnicity: Hispanic
Hair: Balding
Eyes: Variable
Weight: 386 pounds
Height: 66 inches
City: Rectalopolis (The Windy Anus)
Country: Argentina
Sexual Preference: Straight
Smoke: Herb
Drink: Moderate
Marital Status: Married
Occupation/Major: I am the personal chef to the president of Argentina, Joaquin Withdinosaurs
School: Culinary Learning Institute of Tanzania (Old CLIT)
Favorite Food: Chitlins, gravy, elves, tree bark, mice, tacos, la lengua, caribou, capybara, nopales, y peckers
Pets: Saber tooth poodle named Robespierre.
Automobile: Minivan
About Me: First, I'd like to give a shit out to my home slice, Minty T. Neumi, my partner in crime, business, and borderline illegal activities for over 20 years. My real name is Roberto Sigmund Goomez Garciawitz. I grew up in Argentina in a poverty stricken family. My dear sweet grandmother use to wake us up in the morning by poking us in the scrotum with a sharp stick or a machete. Occasionally, I think she enjoyed this a little too much as I was always getting splinters and minor flesh wounds. Did you know that George Lucas modeled the Star Wars character Jaba The Hut after me? His depiction of my slug-like physique is remarkably accurate. I don't know why my wonderful wife puts up with my shit. She deserves so much better than my fat ass can give her! When I was a young man, I had serious issues with the size of my wee wee. Even now, I occasionally catch my wife laughing quietly to herself when she sneaks a peek at the little guy. In 1989, my acting career began in ernest. I was chosen to play the lead role in an off Broadway adaptation of Irwin Shaw's brilliant novel RICH MAN, POOR MAN, appropriately called RICH MAN, POORLY HUNG MAN. In 2020, my most recent role, I was set to star in the latest Marvel Universe movie as Thor's corpulent cousin, LARD STAR. Unfortunately, during the daily buffet, I was eating more than my share and the films budget was seriously affected. So, after 6 weeks of filming the producers ran out of money and we were forced to shut down. Doh!
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Interests & Hobbies
Meaning of Life: I have a reputation as a liar of sociopathic dishonesty. One day I told a lie that caused someone else to get into serious trouble that he did not deserve. I have been looking over my shoulder all these years, expecting him to be there and extract revenge for what i did to him. I learned my lesson. DONT LIE! And if you do, don't get caught. You can really mess up someones life and put your own in serious jeopardy. The real meaning of life is I LOVE BIG OLD TITTIES! I have fond memories of my mom breast feeding me in the morning before i would take the bus to school. I affectionately called her gorilla tits because of all the hair. Speaking of gorilla tits, a few years ago Tammy Fay Baker and I were at Buckingham palace to visit the Queen of England. We were waiting in line to meet her when Tammy Fay got the urge to light one up. As we approached the Queen, Tammy Fay, with cigarette in hand, curtsied and politely asked the Queen if she had a match. The Queen gruffly replied, yes, I have a match, two buffalo farts and your breath. By the time Tammy Faye figured out that this insult was the Teutonic equivalent of having your nose hair yanked out by the roots, she was livid and I could barely keep her from slugging the Queen! I ended up taking a knee to the groin but it was worth it to keep the Queen Mother Fucker safe from TFB. Furor Teutonicus! On that same visit to England, Boris Johnson became enraged at me for having worse hair than him and he called me a bleeding wanker! This seriously pissed off Tammy Fay and she souflexed his ass before giving him the wedgie of death!
Five Things I Can't Live Without: 1. Extra large colostomy bags. I don't need them, I just like the way they smell. 2. Extra small condoms. I need these for protection. 3. Placodonts.
Favorite Books: Add 3 Inches in 30 Days - Dr Oz (PS - the book was an awesome read but it didn't work), A Brief Dissertation On Paul's Letter To The Filipinos - Reverends Oral Swaggert and Buford Falwell, My Battle With Chronic In Grown Anal Hair - Kim Kardashian, I Like To Barf Cookbook - Julia Child, The Book Of Somali Pirate Yachting Ettiquite - Reverend Oral Mullet, Skanks I Have Known - Reverend Jimmy Swaggert, My Life As A Tuna Bitch - Reverand Boner Ted Armstrong
What I Like To Do For Fun: Goodnight, goodnight! Sharting is such sweet sorrow!
Favorite Songs: Favorites: *Another SaTURDay Night And I Ain't Got No Sheep Dip*__Sam Kook, *Flush Twice, Its A Long Way To Bob Garcia's House* __ Reynoso y Cara de Caca, *I Got Them Old Venerial Disease Blues Again*__Bob Garcia, *Bridge Over Troubled Warthogs*__Simon And Garciafunkel. OK, this is a secret. My senior year in high school, in the school newspaper, I anonymously dedicated the song *Sweet Cream Ladies* by The Box Tops to my future wife. This was before I got to know her and found out how sweet snd lovely she is. If she found out it was me, I might end up like John Wayne Bobbit. Thanks for the suggestion and the assist Minty!
Favorite Movies: Los Adventyres de Don Diego y Sausage Boy en el Siglo 21- one of the great works of science fiction from the mind of esteemed author Dr. Stanislaus Dupa.
Craziest Thing I've Ever Done: Tough question, there are so many incidents to choose from! Do you guys remember the crazy National Enquirer stories about a guy who wrapped his little sister's hamster with electrical tape, to keep it from exploding when he butt fucked it? Yea, that was me.
If I Could Be Anywhere Right Now: In the ghetto, knitting toupees for homeless bald men using only my copious amounts of anal hair and the hair we gather from the dumpsters behind the Brazilian Wax business.
Hobbies: Mathematician. There are 120 billion rats on earth and every time one farts, a politician tells a lie. The average rat farts a whopping 360 times a day! So, if you do the math, the human race is up a creek with a shitty paddle!
Talents: Theft. Larceny. Robbery. Making lots of money using my shrewd business acumen. Hey Minty Neumi! Do you remember how we would bring our own cans of soda to the snack bar and sell them instead of the theater's inventory? We made a small fortune! Damn, we Gonsgad those bitches! When I was a senior in high school, I noticed the 9th graders would congregate around my locker when it was time to shower after PE. Then my buddy Minty Neumi figured out that they, like him, were attracted by my gorgeous man titties. At that point we hit on a scheme that netted us over $120,000 US dollars by graduation! You see, there might have been a few guys with better nipples than me but nobody had nicer tits! So, for $.25 we would let the underclassmen have a good close look at them. For an additional $.25 you could fondle them for 10 seconds. That year, I was voted most popular male upperclassmen with an overwhelming 98% of the vote. TGIGarcia!
Perfect Mate: BBWs, elderly women, large women, big titty MILFs, babushkas, las giganoto chichi mamacitas. Ha! My lovely wife use to call her period *Carson Monthly*, so a good sense of humor is mandatory spelling without fear of cactus.
Perfect Date: My perfect date would begin at Nanook And Nookies Eskimo Diner. A big plate of Parmesan Blubber Shooters and Walrus Fries would start the festivities. Next, I would would wouldn't would invite my date to apply liberal amounts of ointment to my diseased purple butthole.
Turn Ons/Offs: The first time you see a woman naked and she's got Marty Feldman tits. You know, where the nipples are cockeyed and stick out at strange angels and you get a headache trying to focus on them or coordinating a two handed titty twister. Yea, thats a huge turnoff. Also, I dont enjoy getting diarrhea as much as I did when I was a young man. Coloque el jerbo en el ano para una los emocin barata, being Newmaned by a motor cycle gang on a secluded beach, waking up with a sore butthole, a hairy ass in my face for more than a few minutes, when I fart and forget to hold my breath or open a window. Also, I kinda like the smell of skunk.
Best Reason to Get to Know Me: I always have a shitload of good weed. I can't wait for tomorrow because I get fatter every day. Yabba dabba dooooo!!!
Message Wall
PorkCab4Cutie
You are a douche bag
Poontel
el vomito grande.
Poontel
el vomiting grande? youre nickname is the big puke? ha ha ha haaaass!
Titbull
Stinky Bob Garcia! Its me TB! How are you and your flabby brown ass doing?
YancyMurphy
I though his nickname was El Gordo Apestoso Hombre?
Poontel
El Gordo Loco! How have you been my fat friend?
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